Random Thoughts

I was 15 when I started going to campus. I was a teenage run away, I had to in order to keep my sanity. First to pass the night when I had nowhere to sleep. And then the shelter for homeless youth was on campus. So I’d take my breaks and run down quickly to the 7-11 to see if anyone cool was hanging out. At some point I met Tony, he was so tall. We hung out a bit before he told me he had a crush on a few girls, myself included. I suppose that should have been a warning sign. But I just thought it SO cute. So sweet that a boy talked about his feelings to me. It was a real first. So we’d hang out, build our friendship…and then when others went home, we’d go up to the water tower and park his truck and make out. I was not a virgin, but he was, so we only made out. He wasn’t sure who he wanted to sleep with his first time. All of this was open. I got that much. I understood. But at some point, I guess I assumed he’d decide he’d like me the most of the 3 girls he was kind of c...

I like rivers/oceans/any body of water. It was my birthday. It was hot. But no one asked me.  I must be an awful person. 

The thing I always think will happen. Although it hasn’t taken the form of complete abandonment (mostly, some are completely absent in my life, people who I thought were friends for life); no it hasn’t been complete abandonment. I’m just not anyone’s favorite. I figured I wasn’t really worthy. M likes me but is that necessity? Because I’ve thrust myself into her life so thoroughly and am so helpful? Helpful to the point of it being weird to others? Or because I can drink with her? I don’t know. I guess everyone else grew up, got goals and lifes. I can’t keep up with some. As I was always afraid of, being the fattest person ever has finally stunted me. I used to be all fuck you! I can do anything! Now I’m tired and sore and don’t want to do anything. I’m still Ben’s favorite I think. But I wonder if that’s necessity too? Because I am a godawful person. I tell myself lies so I can be delusional. I’m funny to the point of being caustic. I’m far too open and say anything. My crazy ...

It’s come to my attention more and more often lately that someone has an opinion about my life and my living situation. Not just one person. A lot of people would pass judgement. Here’s the thing. I have complaints and gripes. But overall? It’s kind of my own machinations. If I don’t have huge issues in my relationship, why does it bother you? I haven’t been, nor will ever be, dependent on a man. I suppose when my leg was broken I had to depend. And I do lean on him. A lot. But I’m not dependent. And that seems to drive some others crazy. I don’t know why. They assume I need more help? Would I like more help? I suppose so. But apparently my complaints lead my friends to believe I would be better off with a man’s income. I’m not sure how every woman I know isn’t aware how I need to not be reliant or dependent on someone else. I’m not sure how my relationship (which is very long running) is a source of debate when I LIKE being around my person still. 17 years in (almost). I like...

I finally cut off ties with my mother. She could snail mail or maybe even email me but she won’t. I know this. Which means I’m officially free to talk here about my shit. Which I’m starting to think is necessary so that I might perhaps survive a little longer. I’m not anonymous this much anywhere else. Maybe I need to open the wounds and expel the poison. I’ve never done well with psychiatrists I was appointed to. Maybe obstinacy along with the very real fear that it would all come out and my mother would blame me. You see she already had. Once while drunk my mother told me that she bet I liked it. The only and I mean only way I’ve ever seen this is as her saying she knew what her husband was doing and assumed I must like it or I’d say something. A common issue. Blame the victim for liking it or wanting it or being a tease. I don’t doubt she has her own issues. I just wish that I could have been born to someone who put her kids at the front. My kid, while not rich, has been given...

I’ve been chubby since I was a child. My awful stepfather asked me once if I wanted to lose ten ugly pounds quickly and when I eagerly said yes (after seeing my mother gloat over her weight loss, after hearing about it from everywhere – because it is everywhere. The diet industry is making bank, y’all.); he told me to cut off my head and then laughed. When I realized I weighed more than my mom in middle school, I started to realize that I was going to be the fat one. The fat friend. The fattest person in the group. The one who’d be so pretty if I just lost some weight. I felt unattractive and ate mostly things like hamburger helper and less of the homemade foods. We were all about convenience in my house growing up. I’ve been yelled at on the street walking places, every doctor I see seems to feel the need to tell me I’m fat..like I don’t know? I suppose some of that is my fault. Because when I gave up hope on ever being thin and pretty; I just stopped talking about it. I st...

Looking through want ads for jobs. I used to think, well, I don’t get the big bucks but at least I get to fuck off sometimes and the benefits are pretty good.  The benefits are still semi good. I mean, I did spend too long wondering if the phone call from my gyno to call her back meant the dreaded C and the wondering how I’d ever pay for it with my deductible/out of pocket expenses. But I only pay like 5 percent of my monthly insurance bill and they cover the rest. They profit share. They match my 401k to varying degrees when I contribute and trust me, I contribute. I thought it was dumb at 22 but the video they showed me persuaded me and I’ve been putting in ever since. 15 years of 401k contributions. But if I don’t make it to retirement age, what good does that all do?  It didn’t mean anything. All tests are fine currently. Just a solid 30 minutes of worrying while I waited for her to call me back at work since she wouldn’t tell Ben. More tests still.  Most...

This week at work was kind of a tire fire or shit show. As usual, all plans were derailed and I threatened to burn the place down and quit repeatedly. I’m pretty tired and disheartened. I didn’t ask to be the ringleader of the shit show. I didn’t ask to be the leader of accounts payable. I got beat down at every turn this week. Emails I answered early were full of annoyance from my coworkers because I didn’t reply fast enough. Emails I didn’t answer made the day worse. There was no winning. I can’t even feel like I can share on Facebook since I just feel like I’m being a whiner. Considering I left last night after working 23 hours in 2 day feeling pretty good; Like I was on top of shit; you know today must’ve been bad. It’s okay though! I’m going in on Sunday! Hooray! This will fix everything! I’m taking next Friday off. Never mind that recently who knows who might show up on a Friday. Never mind this means I have to get the weekly check run accomplished even earlier this week. S...