Fucking Tony

I was 15 when I started going to campus. I was a teenage run away, I had to in order to keep my sanity.

First to pass the night when I had nowhere to sleep. And then the shelter for homeless youth was on campus. So I’d take my breaks and run down quickly to the 7-11 to see if anyone cool was hanging out.

At some point I met Tony, he was so tall. We hung out a bit before he told me he had a crush on a few girls, myself included. I suppose that should have been a warning sign. But I just thought it SO cute. So sweet that a boy talked about his feelings to me. It was a real first. So we’d hang out, build our friendship…and then when others went home, we’d go up to the water tower and park his truck and make out. I was not a virgin, but he was, so we only made out. He wasn’t sure who he wanted to sleep with his first time. All of this was open. I got that much. I understood.

But at some point, I guess I assumed he’d decide he’d like me the most of the 3 girls he was kind of crushing on. (Me, Michelle, and Julie)

One night I got up my courage, after so many make out sessions. So much hanging out..like every weekend..maybe just Friday nights? But it was EVERY ONE OF THEM. I asked him out. He said he needed to think about it. I understood. It was slightly painful to my ego, sure, but in the interest of him actually stating his feelings, I was willing to wait.

And wait

And wait.

Finally a month of Fridays (now I’m sure it was only Fridays, but memory is fucking funny like that, huh? I mean, we’re talking 23 years ago now, more than half my lifetime ago) went by and I pushed the issue. He told me that no, he didn’t want to be my boyfriend. He had very good reasons (to him and maybe to anyone, but I was crushed) – I was homeless and not able to be reliable. He couldn’t get a hold of me easily. I was not in a good situation and his mom had already taken in another kid (Michelle, yeah I know) and apparently it was just too much for him.

Then he twisted the knife. I could have maybe dealt with all the above. Even when I learned that he had or did sleep with Michelle at some point (I mean, she was RIGHT THERE, very convenient, not like me), I maybe could have remained friends with him. But then he said the words that have damned him to this day. The words that broke whatever relationship we had up to that point. The words that still fucking sting and make me say “fucking Tony” under my breath any time I see him at social gatherings. How is this fucker still in my circle of friends? Not Shae who I actually like. Not that third guy….hell…what was his name? Buster is what my brain says, but it wasn’t that. He was kind of a redneck, but always nice to me when I hung out with the “boys”.

The words were – “I came down here two weeks ago to say yes, but you weren’t down here that weekend”.

Did that help him make up his mind? Because I wasn’t immediately available ONE time? I was there every other weekend, but that one I had went with Rose on vacation to Sun River. I figured everyone on campus was sick of seeing my ass, sick of taking care of me, so I took my opportunity for a vacation. I think…actually…at that point, I may have lived at home again. So his point that I was homeless was invalid right at that moment, but I also didn’t really have people come over to my house. Not once I knew how gross it was.

Whatever confidence I’d built up to that point. The bravado I displayed to all, the pretending I knew what the fuck I was doing and that I felt desirable to men in a way I didn’t even yet understand fully. All of it shattered and my opinion of NICE GUYS went sideways. Because Tony was SUPPOSED to be one of the “good guys”. No pressure to have sex, just nice making out sessions, talking about futures, feelings. His contention that I was not reliable is fucking funny now. I hope he sees how reliable I am every time we run into each other and I hope he fucking feels bad. 

I should let it go. I should just look at his face and remember the good times. It’s funny, Kate mentioned how she had to double take on which one he was…I can pick him out every time and not just because of the glasses that Shay doesn’t wear. His face was the one I made out with. I never thought Shay was cute in that way. In fact, we spent most of our time hanging out with Shay trying to ash on me and yelling out ashtray. It sounds mean, but it was kind of funny at the time? I dunno. It was a thing we shared. Tony never smoked. Probably didn’t like that I did. Funny enough, I probably would have had more luck with Shay. Tony went on to date Heather (not Julie, but I wonder if Heather was his consolation prize in my shitty moments) and then I didn’t hear about him for awhile. 

I friended him on facebook I think, or he friended me, but I ended up deleting him. Every time I fucking see him, I revert back to that nervous girl who just wanted a reliable, normal boyfriend. For some semblance of her fucked up life to come out okay.

I should thank him. I fell into the thing with Jake that much easier because I was bruised and finally someone LIKED ME. Not 2 other girls, but ME. I didn’t think he was my type and yet, I fall for that shit. Oh someone likes me? That can’t be right, but if it is…maybe I like them too?

So Jake happened. For 2 weeks. And then he cheated on me.

Is it any wonder that Nat happened next? I always say it was borderline abusive, but that’s not fucking true. It was controlling, manipulative. He was 22 and dating a 16 year old.

Then somehow back to Jake. I wouldn’t have, had Erycka not already tarred and feathered me. Why shouldn’t I do what I was accused of?

Finally, I found a man who loved me unconditionally. And while Ben does too, I mean Derek.

So in a long, weird, winding way of history, I should thank Tony for my son. But I won’t. Instead, every time I see his smiling face, every time he goes in for a stiff one armed hug, I’ll think of how he HAD to add that last sentence about how he WAS going to say yes. 

That’s the worst for me. The fucking what ifs. What if I had been there that night? Would ANY of my life be the same? And the real question? Why didn’t I just give Ben the time of day in high school? He liked me. How come I didn’t immediately fall into the “he likes me, omg, I must like him” mentality I used to have? Was it all because I was hung up on Wes and then Dylan in high school?

At least I finally came to my senses. Not before I let Paul cut me down even more though. No, of course not. I was so fucking stupid. 

The best kind of karma at this point is just to have a great life? 

Fucking Tony. A week after I saw him and he’s still in my brain, making me think of that part of my life. Those nights in his pick-up truck. Once upon a time. When I was young and stupid. And really, how much is this introspection from Jesse’s memorial, because it was the weirdest kind of crossroads where my high school life met up with campus life and then spilled over into college and beyond?