Random Thoughts

I HATE my doctor. He's stupid. He's nice enough, just very......quick and doesn't really take the time to explain things in depth. Just...here's some medicine, get outta my office. Why does this matter at all? I've been having rather often dizzy spells. Like nothing I've dealt with before. I KNOW I won't pass out, but it comes over me and I have to sit and remember to breath. No, I'm NOT pregnant. One cheap and one VERY expensive test later, I think I can lay that fear to rest. I just don't know what the fuck is going on with my body. Like right now, I'm just a little dizzy... Over nothing. I didn't stand up quickly. I'm just sitting here. I had a pizza as a lunch (snack?) at 4. I can't be hungry. My metabolism doesn't work that fast. I wish. It's just a little freaky. I'm not sure what to do. Cause I hate the doctor so much and it's prolly nothing. It's always nothing. Half the time, I wonder if I am just fucking ...

My co-worker's reaction to my ex-boyfriend got me thinking. Not that I lump her in the same boat, as my stepfather. But he prolly had much the same reaction. We planned on him coming over (so we could make out....we weren't going out yet, but DAMN I wanted to and I figured making out is fun, and might get me closer HAHAHAHA...yes, you can laugh at my teenage idealism.) for awhile. The day came and my mom was out of the house....Mike was there instead. I'd TALKED about him FOREVER....I never really thought about him as different and consequently saw no point in being like........He's black. My mom wouldn't care and I honestly didn't think about Mike. I should have...this was the same guy who when my sisters would point at "black" dolls and say how cute they were he'd be like..."You don't want one of them (word I am not comfortable typing, I'm sure y'all can guess) babies." YES, THIS IS AN ACTUAL QUOTE. Just one of his MANY flaw...

Shakira is HOT. But WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH HER DANCING IN THE VIDEOS? I swear she does this dance move that could be called the zombie shuffle or something. I'm confused, is that dancing? Don't Bother Shakira She’s got the kind of look that defies gravity She’s the greatest cook And she’s fat free She’s been to private school And she speaks perfect French She’s got the perfect friends Oh isn’t she cool She practices Tai Chi She'd never lose her nerve She's more than you deserve She's just far better than me Hey, hey So don’t bother I won’t die of deception I promise you won’t ever see me cry Don’t feel sorry And don't bother I’ll be fine But she’s waiting The ring you gave to her will lose its shine So don’t bother, be unkind I’m sure she doesn’t know How to touch you like I would I beat her at that one good Don’t you think so? She's almost six feet tall She must think I'm a flea I’m really a cat you see And it's not my last life at all Hey, hey So...

OK, NOT YET. But Ben is trying to trick me into reading Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy. DAMNIT!

And I'm not even sad, or worried about anything regarding my relationship. It's just a cool line anyhow. From "My Happy Ending." "Thanks for watching as I fall." Or possibly... "Because of You" "My heart can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with."

I mean.... Of course, the DOOCE would try to use ANY AND ALL MEANS AT HER DISPOSAL to figure out what the fuck the COUNT meant? She's not STUPID, people. WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT????? THIS.

The foreshadowing from the song earlier? Here it is. This guy is working in our sportswear department. DAMN IS HE FUCKING FINE. He came into the office the other day...smiled at us and talked with us a bit...I was all....HELLO. When he left, I was like.....Damn, he reminds me of the boyfriend from High School. The other receptionist looks at me and goes....He was black? Whispers it really. Apparently, it's still something people are weird with. Why, nowadays, is it such a BIG deal? It's 2005, people. Deal with it. It's gonna happen. (background to follow later)

I gotta whip the kid BACK into shape again. It's like he knows when he has been good for awhile and he decides to fuck off again. He hasn't been able to pull his shit together in school since before he went to his dad's. Also, he got into a fight about who was first in line at school and the teacher was actually going to call me. But she talked to Ben instead. The kid has been grounded for a WEEK from the video games (his lifeblood) and my boss said I was MEAN cause of it. WHATEVER. Don't listen to my conversations. Don't tell me how to raise my kid. He knows he's slipping. He knew he was in trouble after the teacher talked to Ben. RIGHT OFF THE BAT. Don't tell me he's not smart, cause he picks up on shit. ANYHOW. He's punished. Hopefully, he can pull his shit together. This is hard for me. I used to get in trouble for talking all the time, but other than that, I LOVED SCHOOL. I WANTED to be there. ANYTHING to get me away from my mom. Maybe I should ...

I just went through some old Karina Pics. Just cause I can. MAN I WISH I COULD TAKE A GOOD PICTURE. Man, I WISH I WOULD TYPE. I'm a *little* drunk. They give us wine at Faculty Night. CAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING CRAZY. Anyhow, my night went much like this. 5:00 - I start manning the counter and helping out. I put on the make up when Tara arrives with it....(cause I didn't have time at home) and get my ass upstairs to help answer the phones. About this time, the power KINDA goes out. KINDA??? Apparently, a bird flew into the tranformer or something....I don't know. It wasn't exactly clear WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON. Just that SOME of the lights went out. During faculty night....a night we've planned for at least a MONTH. A night that we spend TONS on in the hopes Faculty will spend tons in getting the first crack at our 20 percent off sale. Not so easy when we have to feed them and then kick them out by 7:45. We were supposed to be open until 9, and EWEB needed to shut th...

Again with the foreshadowing. We've Got a Long Way to Go Gwen Stefani We've got a long way to go When snow hits the asphalt, cold looks and bad talk come We've got a long way to go It's beyond Martin Luther, upgrade computer Her/His skin wasn't the same color as mine But she/he was fine, she/he was fine If all men are made equal Then she/he was fine, she/he was fine Up until the time we went out on a date I was fine, I was fine Now I'm getting dirty looks, I wonder what they'd say If we were blind, we were blind people We've got a long way to go When snow hits the asphalt, cold looks and bad talk come We've got a long way to go It's beyond Martin Luther, upgrade computer We've got a long way to go When snow hits the asphalt, cold looks and bad talk come We've got a long way to go It's beyond Martin Luther, upgrade computer Beauty is beauty, whether it's black or white Yellow or green baby, you know what I mean What if Picasso only...

Underpants make GREAT hats. I HATE YOU CARTOON NETWORK. Besides Adult Swim.

DAMN the Cartoon Network... This show that I am (not really) watching has "Kid's advice" at the bottom. One of them just said.."If it makes mom laugh, do it TWENTY more times." Are they TRYING to drive me crazy? Often something that was funny is VERY annoying after only the TENTH time. He REPEATS HIMSELF ALL THE TIME. I think he got it from them. Damn them.

The kid lost another tooth the other day. More like he pulled out another tooth. I got it all set up, in an envelope and I wrote "Tooth Fairy" on it, in my almost cursive writing. The kid looks at me...and in all seriousness, goes.... "Do you think the tooth fairy can read cursive?" "Yeah, I think she might." "Well, I'm just saying, it's kinda light and it's in cursive." I was like...."Well, she IS a little magical right? How else would she know your tooth was gone? And how could she come and get it? I think she'll know that this envelope is for her." The funniest thing about it? I ALMOST FORGOT. I remembered that morning and had to run in and be VEWWY quiet and take his tooth. And he got another dollar. Between his left over birthday money and the new dollar, the kid has FAR more disposable income than I do. There is something SO wrong with that. :)

In honor of Fiona's new album...THAT I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT. I'm slipping, people. HOW DID I NOT KNOW????? Whatever, it's annoying, cause it's not exactly the time to be buying myself presents. *pout* I've bolded the best part of the song, as I am known to do. Paper Bag Fiona Apple I was staring at the sky just looking for a star To pray on, or wish on, or something like that I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy Whose reality i knew, was a hopeless to be had But then the dove of hope began its downward slope And I believed for a moment that my chances were approaching to be grabbed But as it came down near, so did a weary tear I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag *chorus* Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills Cuz I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up I got to fold cuz these hands are too shaky to hold hunger hurts, but starving works When it costs too much to love And I went crazy again today, Looking for a strand to c...

I had a WEIRD dream again last night. No, I didn't eat anything strange, I'm just fucked up. I talked with a co worker yesterday about my family and how I haven't seen them. First, I had a strange dream that my Grandpa sent me enough money to get on a plane. But only me, not Derek. So, I couldn't go. :( Then, after waking up at FUCKING 4 for NO reason, I was awaje until 5. I finally fell back asleep and had this dream. My mom came to visit (I thought) and she decided to take over my life. My boyfriend (which wasn't Ben - he might have been Steve Zahn at one point. He seemed to change every so often), my house, EVERYTHING. I was pissed and screamed at her FOREVER and she was just like...yep, whatever. (Do you even have that completely POWERLESS feeling? It happened to me when I knew Paul was leaving town the very first time and I KNEW there was nothing I could do about it. Hindsight is 20/20 though, I woulda been better off if he'd never come back. Oh well.) I br...

Foreshadowing......oooooh. These Dreams Heart Spare a little candle Save some light for me Figures up ahead Moving in the trees White skin in linen Perfume on my wrist And the full moon that hangs over These dreams in the mist Darkness on the edge Shadows where I stand I search for the time On a watch with no hands I want to see you clearly Come closer than this But all I remember Are the dreams in the mist These dreams go on when I close my eyes Every second of the night I live another life These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away Is it cloak and dagger Could it be spring or fall? I walk without a cut Through a stained glass wall Weaker in my eyesight The candle in my grip And words that have no form Are falling from my lips These dreams go on when I close my eyes Every second of the night I live another life These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away There's s...

Jake got someone else pregnant. On purpose. It's a little strange to know they finally succeeded. I'm glad for her, cause I know that she doesn't have a whole lot of time in which she can get pregnant. I'm also a little sorry for her. She's gonna have to deal with Jake while being pregnant. And I know ALL about that. It wasn't a pleasant ordeal for the most part. Not that he knows that. He prolly thought it went well. And the pregnancy did, just not the hormones. In somewhat related news, Derek's facial expressions remind me more and more of Jake. He'll do something and I'll be shocked anew by how much he looks like him. When he was a baby, he looked more like my side of the family and myself as a baby, but now.... It's just strange, is all I'm saying. Things are strange all around.

So, I have a problem. EVERY TIME I HEARD THIS SONG TODAY, I THOUGHT ABOUT THE WEIRD AL SONG INSTEAD. And I HATE Weird Al. Gangsta's Paradise Coolio As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I take a look at my life And realize there's nothin' left 'Cause I've been brassin' and laughin' so long that, Even my mama thinks that my mind is gone But I ain't never crossed a man that didn't deserve it Me be treated like a punk, you know that's unheard of You betta watch how ya talking And where ya walking Or you and your homies might be lined in chalk I really hate to trip but I gotta lope As they croak, I see myself in the pistol smoke, fool I'm the kinda g that little homie's wanna be like On my knees in the night Saying prayers in the street light Been spending most our lives Living in a gangsta's paradise (x2) Keep spending most our lives Living in a gangsta's paradise (x2) They death of situation, they got me facing I can...

So, I was all set to do a thankfulness post. But I got sidetracked. I fell a little more in love with my site meter. GO SITE METER. And found too many quizzes. Instead the idea had just been bouncing around in my brain since Thursday. Here it is, for your reading pleasure. I'm thankful for...... My Kid My Boyfriend My friends My family The FANTASTIC turkey we made. It's NEVER turned out as good as it did this year. Laying around in bed all day and only getting up to make turkey. The bath I took for two hours on Thanksgiving, cause I had NOTHING better to do :P YAY me! The roof over my head My job BOOKS! I almost finished one in the bath during that long bath. My computer The internet MUSIC. BOOBS. My soft, warm bed. Sex. The holiday pay CHEESE. Jeans Hot Chocolate BLOGS Aqua Teen Hunger Force Quilts

I love this line in particular - If you wanna make sense, what you lookin' at me for? A Mistake Fiona Apple I’m gonna make a mistake I’m gonna do it on purpose I’m gonna waste my time Cuz I’m full as a tick And I’m scratching at the surface And what I find is mine And when the day is done, and I look back And the fact is I had fun, fumbling around All the advice I shunned, and I ran Where they told me not to run, but I sure Had fun, so I’m gonna fuck it up again I’m gonna do another detour Unpave my path And if you wanna make sense Whatcha looking at me for I’m no good at math And when I find my way back, The fact is I just may stay, or I may not I’ve acquired quite a taste For a well-made mistake I wanna make a mistake why can’t I make a mistake? I’m always doing what I think I should Almost always doing everybody good Why- Do I wanna do right, of course but Do I really wanna feel I’m forced to Answer you, hell no I’ve acquired quite a taste For a well-made mistake, I wanna Make a...