Random Thoughts

It’s just like that Hyperbole and a Half cartoon. What is wrong with me? I can’t even really put into words why I am suddenly so gung ho on the marriage bit. Maybe it’s the getting older bit. Maybe it’s because I feel like Ben is never going to want to and that translates into us breaking up at some point. Maybe I just want ONE thing about my life to be “normal”…sure I went to college and have a degree and I guess that’s “normal”, but I’d like something about my personal life to be “normal”. Sure, I did the kid thing early, didn’t get married to his dad, but this, this one thing is something I want. Like Phoebe on Friends. So…yeah…. This is my brain on marriage. I sent Ben an email in the hopes that by laying out my ten reasons to get married (like Letterman!) I can let it go and stop talking about it after I’ve been drinking cause… NO GOOD. I may have repeated one of my points though. I guess I wasn’t as laid out as I thought. So for my lovely lady friends who are reading th...

shit wrong story. Fuck it; don’t all stories start with once upon a time? Once upon a time I lived with parent/ parent figures. They were both abusive in different ways. I had pretty much no control over my life, though I liked to pretend I did. I’d get super frustrated/pissed off and I used to punch myself over and over in the leg. Calm down, it wasn’t that hard. I never bruised and I bruise like an avocado, so I couldn’t have been hitting myself that hard. It’s like the “stop hitting yourself” thing. Haha. Except sadder I guess. I often marvel at how far I’ve come. Look at me now!  ;p What brings this sadness to mind you ask? Work. Work is getting me down. I know that life isn’t all about work, but considering how much time I spend here? On one hand, I have angry accountants who are bitter about something….I don’t know what. I feel like their lives are pretty ok and I also feel like they had fairly normal childhoods. Maybe they are doing that thing I do wh...

"Wind me up and watch me go . Where she stops, nobody knows, a good excuse to be a bad influence on you." That Pink song is me to a tee. I have problems holding back. It’s not worth doing, if it’s not worth doing well, right? Let’s see. One day weekends suck. At least I got some sex in there. My thoughts today? I should probably be checking my blood pressure, but I keep waking up and being like…eh..not today. I know from my last doctor’s visit for birth control that it was still up. I should also be weighing myself, but after the initial “oooh shiny” new thing moment and the bad news, I just haven’t cared. I am LOVING the depo again. So happy not to have to remember a pill anymore. And no more spotting. Happy days are here again! I’m still doing things. I’m walking home 4/5 days pretty consistently. And using the weekend to walk more. For 3 weeks now, I’ve walked for over 300 minutes each week. My thighs are a bit chafed sadly……but no pain, no gain? I’m ...

Yesterday was the anniversary of my Aunt Jeanette’s death. I keep writing passing away and it feels weird. What a strange way to put it. It’s death. That’s what it is. Growing up, I identified with her the most. Even if she wasn’t my biological aunt, she’s the one I saw all the time, the one we lived with from time to time…and she was fat. Like me. In later years she had lost a lot of weight after having that stomach surgery thing. When I’d see her, she didn’t look right. She kind of looked like a tweeker. Then last year she died in her sleep. Completely out of the blue. And suddenly I became infinitely more aware of this extra weight I carry around. The weight I’ve always maintained is not making me unhealthy per se. Just making me unable to buy clothes easily. Making me self conscious. When I went to the doctor and my blood pressure was up, suddenly it all really hit me. This morning my mother reminded me that dad’s birthday would have been yesterday too. It’s a whole lot o...

OMG FUCK THAT POST. I tried to edit and only made it worse. Fuck you blogger.

OMG yall. What the fuck happened with that post down there? This is what I get for typing it out and then pasting later. I'm gonna try to fix it, but no promises. My brain is a douche bag. I realize that title up there is gonna make you think that I have an answer as to why my brain is a douche bag, but I merely have examples, no answers. I could blame it all on my childhood, but we all know I've beaten that into the ground. I feel like I blame everything on my childhood, but never really give it credit. So a short list of why it wasn't so bad growing up me.. I'm SO fucking capable of handling almost anything. Sure I flail about and whine and maybe don't know enough adult stuff to do things like buy a house on my own, but when shit goes down I fucking take care of it. I know how. Mostly. Or at least I pretend. Got pregnant at 16, didn't even create a reality TV series from it, instead got my shit together and today he is a fairly well adjusted almost 15 year...