"Don't want to leave you really, I've invested too much time, to give you up that easy, to the doubts that complicate your mind"

Yesterday was the anniversary of my Aunt Jeanette’s death. I keep writing passing away and it feels weird. What a strange way to put it. It’s death. That’s what it is. Growing up, I identified with her the most. Even if she wasn’t my biological aunt, she’s the one I saw all the time, the one we lived with from time to time…and she was fat. Like me. In later years she had lost a lot of weight after having that stomach surgery thing. When I’d see her, she didn’t look right. She kind of looked like a tweeker.

Then last year she died in her sleep. Completely out of the blue. And suddenly I became infinitely more aware of this extra weight I carry around. The weight I’ve always maintained is not making me unhealthy per se. Just making me unable to buy clothes easily. Making me self conscious.

When I went to the doctor and my blood pressure was up, suddenly it all really hit me.

This morning my mother reminded me that dad’s birthday would have been yesterday too. It’s a whole lot of crap to deal with.

On top of all that…Ben is really irritating me lately. I was watching the end of a horror movie I’d tried to watch 5 times already and he managed to live through it, but then said I like horror movies because they are so messed up.

And I’ve been dwelling ever since. Hey, have you met Desiree? She’s a dweller.

I suppose trying to explain why I like them is the same as him trying to explain why he doesn’t…and neither of us are open minded enough to accept it. But I’m gonna try to explain it here and thereby release it from my brain. So I can maybe stop the dwelling.

I like them..because I like the thrill. Now I don’t love super gory and Hostel wasn’t even a movie I could make it through. I’ve had a few that went horribly bad, usually because they revolve around child molestation and it hits a nerve. But for the most part, I love them. The psychological ones because I like to know what makes people tick. Maybe I should’ve become a psychiatrist. The super fake gory ones because they are just good fun. The ghost ones because they almost seem like they could be real. He really didn’t get why I like the ones where you never even really see the monster, like the one I was watching, Absentia. I think it’s because I have a good imagination and it’s scarier to infer?

But most of all I think I love horror movies because they remind me that things could always be WAY worse. That someone could have a more horrible childhood than I. Because for the most part, when I compare my childhood to others, mine is always the sadder one. Always the one more lacking. But when I watch “It”, I can go…whoa. Shit could be so much worse.

Do I think that Ben will get any of that? Not really. It’s like trying to explain shitty parents to him. Or anyone who never had a shitty parent. They don’t really get it.

So I think that’s my issue with him. Some days I think he just gets me, and indeed, we do finish each other’s sentences without meaning to occasionally. I always tell him to get out of my head then and stop being creepy. But other times I think that he really doesn’t get me at all and it’s like that song “If you don’t know me by now, you will never ever ever know me….”. And then I worry for our future. Or lack of one. I know I dwell on the marriage thing a lot, but it’s another place where we aren’t compatible, even though he says he’d marry me, we still aren’t married. So I don’t know what the fuck he means by that when he never pops the question.

I really worry that by the time he actually wants to marry me, I won’t want to marry him. Mostly I feel like the time will come when I give up and we break up and it’s his last ditch effort to keep me. Which is crap. No girl wants to MAKE someone marry her. 

Last night I told him about how he always says he doesn’t like people and that I AM people and that sometimes I feel like he’s irritated with me and wishes he lived alone. He said he wasn’t irritated, that’s just his face…but there has to be some reason I am unmarriable to him.

So tonight I’m making him meet me to walk home with me. Seems like the only time we talk to each other is about Derek when we have to, or when we are walking and neither of us can look at our iPods and get caught up in the interwebs. I suppose it’s true of everyone, but you know what? I LIKE playing games with my boyfriend. I like talking to him, and his iPod use is out of fucking control. Mine too probably. But at least he’ll play games with me on the iPods. Or at least he used to. Not so much lately.

So I sit and I dwell on all this and I keep wondering if I’m going to eventually give up on this 11 year relationship. Sometimes I think we drink because at least then we talk to each other? Or maybe that’s just me. I just want a partner who wants to talk to me, who wants to spend time with me, who wants to marry me. I suppose I should just settle for a partner who rubs my back sometimes, pets my head to put me to sleep, and doesn’t physically or verbally abuse me.

I don’t know if I can settle.